Being Open

I wasn't going to share this experience on here, but as time goes on I find that I want it documented.

So here we go...

The morning of Halloween 2015 I woke up and waited for a few hours for my "monthly visitor" to come.  I am usually very regular so when things weren't coming I decided to just take a pregnancy test so that I could stop stressing about whether I was or was not pregnant.  It was a Saturday so McKay was home for the test results.  We usually are both present when I take a pregnancy test.  Happily two lines showed up and we were giddy with the news that I was expecting.  Six weeks earlier I had my first miscarriage so we felt extra grateful to see those two lines and felt blessed that it had happened so soon after the miscarriage (I had talked to my doctor and they said it was perfectly fine for me to get pregnant after one normal period)  I was a little nervous with how everything would go this time, but I truly felt at peace inside so I assumed everything would be fine.  I was due in July and I was excited for a summer baby.

The next week the lovely morning sickness came just like it did with my other 3 normal pregnancies (I never really got sick with the miscarriage).  I actually felt relief when the sickness hit since that meant things were going well.  A few weeks went by and we decided to tell our immediate families on Thanksgiving so that we could celebrate the news with them.  They were all so sweet and were so excited for us.

My first doctors appointment was on December 14th.  I was 10
1/2 weeks along and excited to finally see the little heartbeat on the ultrasound machine.  I was also glad that my appointment was before Christmas so that I could finally put my little worries about the baby's health behind me and enjoy the holiday.

Of course I assume you all know where I am going with this story.  Unfortunately this is not a pregnancy announcement.   There was not a heartbeat on the ultrasound machine.  Our sweet baby had passed away at 6 1/2 weeks.  Looking back now I realize that my morning sickness, while strong in the beginning had lightened up in last few weeks (I thought I was just managing it well).  Gratefully McKay was at an in town meeting that day so he was able to rush over to the doctors office and be there with me while we decided how to proceed.  We were both SO sad about the news.  It has been such a confusing experience as we have walked through these two miscarriages back to back.  

So we talked with the doctor (while he is not my normal doctor since I go to a midwife he was such a blessing to us as we talked about our options and he answered every one of our questions) and decided to go ahead and have a D&C.  At the time that felt like the best and easiest option.  Honestly I have never ever wanted a D&C and had always planned to go natural if I ever had a miscarriage. But after going through the first miscarriage naturally it had been SO painful and it was hard to keep a good face in front of my kids.  The cramps were so intense and I hadn't even been that far along in the pregnancy.  I just mentally could not handle going natural again so soon after the first one.  Also I just had this intense desire to get things all taken care of before we left for Utah in 6 days.  I wanted to be able to enjoy Christmas with my family.  Luckily the doctor fit us into his schedule that evening and the little surgery went just fine.  

The first few days after were different then I expected.  I had no bleeding and physically I felt fine, but then the cramps and bleeding came a couple days later.  It was slightly less intense then the first miscarriage but still a lot to deal with.  

(I guess if I ever have another miscarriage I will choose the pill option that you take at home that helps the body release everything because in the end I don't feel like the D&C changed much as far as recovery went.  Just wanted to add this part in for future info.)

Emotionally I wasn't in great shape.  I was so confused and disappointed.  Why had this happened two times in a row?  I started questioning all of my actions and felt guilty for not taking my prenatal vitamin more consistently.  I stayed at home for a few days, and was surprised at how nervous I was to leave the house.  Nobody had really known that I was pregnant, but I felt different and sad and wasn't sure how I was going to explain my mood to people.  Plus I didn't really feel like acting like nothing was wrong.  Normally I am a happy, positive, upbeat person, so to feel so different inside was hard for me to deal with.  I was even nervous to see my family for the holidays which felt silly.  I am a private person when it comes to being sad, so I would often just break down in the car by myself or in my room when no one was around.   

I also felt down about my weight.  I had definitely gained some weight, and when I realized that it wasn't "baby" weight I felt self conscious and disappointed about my looks.  Nothing fit right and I just felt blotted and blah.  It seems dumb to be worrying about my looks, but that was all that others were seeing and now I didn't have my pregnancy excuse to hide behind.  It was a hard pill for me to swallow.

The hardest part about this miscarriage was telling the kids.  Over Thanksgiving the new baby secret was spilled to them and so they knew that mommy was pregnant.  They had talked about the baby a lot and were excited to meet him/her.  When we told them that the baby had passed away they were SO sad.  I was crying and they were so concerned about mommy being sad.  Jensen suggested that we take the baby to the doctor and give them some medicine so that they could be all better.  (so sweet!).  For the first few days after you could tell they were processing things and trying to work out their feelings.  Jensen kept telling me that he loved me having a baby in my tummy and that he missed the baby.  Even these days if my stomach ever sticks out a little they will ask if I have a baby in my tummy.  We just say someday there will be. 

What a lesson on humility and patience that this has been.  While it has been a rough road to walk through I have been strengthened by the our Heavenly Father and felt the holy ghost and angels surrounding me.  I know people say that kind of stuff all the time, but truly I have had many spiritual impressions and moments in the past few months. Heavenly Father loves us all and wants to be there for us.  Letting him in and letting him guide my life has been such a miracle to me.  I am also loving and appreciating even more the sweet spirits that have already been sent to our home.  Adalyn, Jensen, and Declin are such blessings and I realized that I have often taken these blessing for granted.  Before my miscarriages I was often focused on the future.  Always trying to plan out the next step in my mind and by my schedule.  Well I now I realize that I do not always get to plan the next step, but I have peace that Heavenly Father is in charge and he knows what we need when we need it.  I think we all have to learn to allow gods timing to work in our lives and that is what I have learned through these miscarriages.  Thankfully as time passes I am filled with peace and I still have SO much to be grateful for.  I am also grateful for others who have shared their stories of loss with me.  Their stories give me strength on the days that I am feeling alone.  I realize that I am not the only one who has gone through this and that gives me strength.

As for the future.  I am still hopeful things will go well and we will have another baby.  These two miscarriages were different (the first one there was just an empty sac) so I am hoping that it was just a fluke to have two in a row and that things will go better with a future pregnancy.  If I happen to have a 3rd miscarriage then they will start doing more testing and try and find a problem.  

Motherhood is quite the calling to have in life.  It is such a joy and challenge.  Despite all of the hardships we go through it is always worth it.  Always.